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[You Know When...] [Caffeine Addict's Quiz]

Funny stuff for a Coffee Lovers Party

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When... 
  1. Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
  2. you ski uphill 
  3. you get a speeding ticket even when you are parked 
  4. you haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse 
  5. you just completed another sweater and you don't even know how to knit 
  6. you grind your coffee beans in your mouth 
  7. you lick your coffee pot clean 
  8. you spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House" 
  9. you've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week 
  10. your eyes stay open when you sneeze 
  11. you can type 60 words per minute with your feet 
  12. your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low" 
  13. you've worn out the handle on your favorite mug 
  14. you've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers 
  15. people get dizzy just watching you 
  16. the Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you 
  17. Starbucks own's the mortgage on your house 
  18. your taste buds are so numb you could drink a lava lamp 
  19. instant coffee takes too long 
  20. your thermos is on wheels 
  21. you can't even remember your second cup 
  22. you help your dog chase his tail 
  23. you soak your dentures overnight in coffee 
  24. you introduce your spouse as your coffeemate 
  25. you speed walk in your sleep 
  26. you have to watch videos in fast-forward to prevent boredom. 
  27. you can take a picture of yourself from 10 feet away without using the timer.
  28. can jump start your car without cables. 
  29. you don't need a hammer to pound nails. 
  30. you buy sugar by the barrel. 
  31. you wear the finish off your coffee table. 
  32. you are so wired, you pic up AM radio. 
  33. you channel surf faster without a remote. 
  34. you are offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. 
  35. you short out motion detectors. 
  36. the only time you're standing still is in an earthquake. 
  37. the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. 
  38. Kramer of Seinfeld thinks you need to calm down. 
  39. you name your cats Cream & Sugar. 
  40. your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. 
  41. your nervous twitches register on the Richter scale. 
  42. you think being called a "drip" is a compliment. 
  43. you're employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. 
  44. you chew on other people's fingernails. 
  45. you don't sweat, you percolate. 
  46. you walk ten miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. 
  47. your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. 
  48. when someone says how are you? you say "good to the last drop." 
  49. you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. 
  50. you don't tan, you roast. 
  51. you don't get mad, you get steamed. 
  52. you think C.P.R. stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." 
  53. all of your children are named Joe. 
  54. you go to an AA meeting just to get the free coffee. 
  55. your T-shirt says Decaf Rules! 
  56. you are able to outlast the energizer bunny. 
  57. you get drunk just so you can sober up. 
  58. your survival kit has a pound of coffee & a grinder. 
  59. you speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. 
  60. you sleep with your eyes open. 
  61. your hand is molded to the shape of your coffee mug. 
  62. you answer your door before anyone knocks. 
  63. you spend every vacation in Kona, Hawaii. 
  64. your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia. 
  65. you have your blood tested, the results come back in acidity levels. 
  66. Juan Valdez sends you a thank you card.

What do you call a cow who's just given birth?

A man walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress "How much is the coffee?"
She replied $3.00. "How much is a refill?" the man asked. "Free!" said the waitress.
"Then I'll take a refill!!"

If your wife makes bad coffee that is grounds for divorce.

I'm sure all coffee beans are juvenile. They're always getting grounded.

by Chris Gahan (edited by webmaster)

Do you want to know if you are a Coffee/Caffeine Addict?
If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to
Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to
determine your Addiction Factor.

Then just take this simple quiz:

Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on.

1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?

2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?

3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?

4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?

5. a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot? 

6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?

7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?

8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?

9. Do you need coffee:
a) get up in the morning?
   b) get out of bed?
   c) be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?

10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"?
(For the culturally ignorant,a coffee-helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it
and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free

11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda"
   (Smells-like- coffee)?

12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?

13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?

14. Does the phrase "Swiss water decaffeinated" strike terror into your heart?

15. a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) more than five?
      c) your bathroom?

16. a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
     b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
     c) ...and it's bad for the environment?

17. Do you grind your own coffee?

18. Do you grow your own coffee?

19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"? 

20. a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
     c) ...intimately?

21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?

22. a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
     c) ...because it's too frustrating?

Score Your Results and Determine Your Addiction Factor!

Response Ratio Addiction Factor

Yes/No Analysis:

20-22/ 0-2
You are a well-rounded member of society with a love for life and you are
very wise.

17-19/ 3-5
You are a slightly jagged member of society, life's okay but it could be
better and you are relatively naive.

0-16/ 6-22
What are you, some kinda nature-freak tree-hugger!? Coffee's not good
enough for you, huh? Here, have some more TOFU! How about some ALFALFA

Thanks to Steve Tucky for "perking" up (ha- couldn't resist) our Coffee Themed Parties with these funnies!

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This page last updated  August 09, 2003